I love being friends with rich people. I get laid by association.
I got drunk and threw up on a kid at the amusement park. I think they're pressing charges.
I no longer question where these bruises come from... between the strip pole in the living room, the slipnslide in the hallway and our constant level of intoxication I will always be bruised...
Should I feel bad that my boyfriend pays for my birth control and his friends get to reap the benefits?
and if my full six pack comes in by Halloween there is no stopping the man slut costume. I have no shame
He's a little cute, in a dorky, I-know-for-a-fact-his-cock-is-huge kind of way
those were not strange pants with a really large waist band...it took me 3 days to realize I was wearing someone's sweater as pants
The site I use to study flash cards keeps showing ads for truck companies hiring drivers. It's like the site is saying "hey, we all know there's no hope for you, just give up and Become a truck driver."
Valentine's Day is now to be known as Tacos and Orgasms Day.
Holding your hair back while you puked wasn't a choice. I was handcuffed to you.
She was gone when I unblacked out, but she had nailed her panties to the wall and wrote “Colleen’s Dick”with a sharpie on the wall. No idea where she got a hammer and nail
My vagina knows your penis is sad about Andrew Luck. You should come over and let her comfort him in his time of need
Decided to stay sober a couple days, learned how exceptionally stupid my coworkers are. Might have to quit now. Moral of the story:be careful where you go sober.
We left an ass print on the conference room table, but I don’t think anyone caught on
Pro: 2020 made it easier to hook up with strippers
Con: explaining to Kari why there’s always strippers at our house
Pro: there’s always strippers at our house
Randomize
