I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
dude, the reading rainbow guy was just talking to a HOLOGRAM
Are you sure you're not watching Star Trek?
wait... oh
This is worse that I thought. He's playing violin for me.
Sorry you called when I was puking in a cheetos bag
The hot guy sitting next to me in the lib is reading a book called "Impersonal sex in public places." How wrong would it be to give him my number when I bounce?
scream really loud. we think you crawled under the deck
That chick who made out with a door is here. Want her number??
What the fuck is wrong with your family? Why do you have unfrosted pop tarts.
Would be in best interest to sanitize the DVDs
We met some guy at the beach, and dug a hole with him. He invited us to "come back at night and smoke a blunt in this hole"
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
This is why people in Buffalo die of heart attacks. This and wings
He made me spaghetti, gave me wine and I fucked him on the floor, Is that a fair trade of services to you?
He's a security blanket. A security blanket who FUCKS.
I guess I’m only into threesomes at Halloween, because I just woke up next to “Marilyn Monroe” and “Joe DiMaggio” in their condo
Randomize
