I am watching Grease 2 and properly learning how to apply a condom to a banana. This is a sign from God that this is the closest I will ever get to having the need for one.
I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
I left when they started reinacting what appeared to be a jerry springer episode
I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
I need a secretary to manage my drinking schedule.
I told him we couldn't have sex because I was ovulating and "I come from fertile people."
i'm pretty sure i saw my life flash before my eyes when we ran a red light. i continued to drink and be the drunk backseat driver.
Ask if he wants his tooth back. It's in the freezer. In the box of hotpockets.
You were running around drunk in a Toga chasing the frat's Husky. Of course they remember you.
Didn't know hookah bars could end badly. I feel for her hair
Please don't make me ever have to hear the words "the Queen's gynecologist" ever again.
I don't know if we can compare high school reunions anymore. The keg stands started before 7.
His dog ate the vibrator. The WHOLE vibrator. We spend the morning after trying to make it vomit up the battery. Why does this always happen to me?
And then he tried to convince me that he could wear a condom instead of pants to go out.
It feels weird going to sleep without hugging the toilet goodnight
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