I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
watchout when you come home, dougs at the top of the stairs naked eating doritos
i'm glad we're now at the level of friendship where we can comfortably discuss the quality of our shit
A letter to the campus apologizing for being sucha cunt with a picture of her head on it. All posted around campus.
I just found a babydoll head in my sink where we ripped it off and did shots out of it.
Well now I have my semen on her headphones
Please don't drown this weekend. It would be a shame to lose a dick like yours.
It was like being fucked by the god of thunder, he gained power from the storm. I took a Plan B because I don't think regular birth control will stop Thor's sperm.
I'm so tired I just poured monster in my coffee.
And it tastes incredible.
And I have chest pains.
I had mdma, weed, and alcohol in my system. My doctor seems to think that's how I tore my groin.
I probably won't go. Last time I got drunk with those guys I just started demanding people let me touch their beards.Then I mocked everyone who didn't have facial hair.
In case you're wondering what frozen hashbrowns taste like at 4 in the afternoon, shame. They taste like shame.
I just shotgunned a beer and my lipstic didnt BUDGE. MERICUHH
Yeah, I mean I'll probably fuck him regardless but I'm trying to be a lady about it.
OMG OMG OMG Ive hit the penis jackpot
It seriously took everything in my power not to sleep with him
What did it come out and serenade you? Lol
It sang to me in the dark. It was magical
Randomize
