She asked to borrow my chapstick then said "I promise I won't get herpes on it"
The only way im leaving this casino is in a golden chariot or an ambulance
It was your ex but it was not eighties night, it was pudding wrestling. And either thank you or I'm sorry depending on the state of my pants left on the doorstep
IT'S A FUCKING GIANT POKEBALL MAD OUT OF TINY ROSES
I seriously just drove by a man walking down the street wearing hospital scrubs, an 80s track jacket, gold necklace and carrying a flute.
Because drinking and showering don't go hand in hand. There that's my PSA of the day.
I did get to watch you pee, tho. That counts as another precious moment.
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
My brother and I have had one conversation in the past like 3 weeks and it was about what it would be like as a sentient butt plug
Just in case the world ends tomorrow, I have an emergency contact group of booty calls I can send a quick "let's fuck" to before I die.
You had all day to plan ahead & get mixers, so whose fault is this sobriety?
Was not aware that standing loudly up off the couch and loudly, drunkenly slurring "I'M EIGHTEEN NOW BITCHES" counted as a primitive mating call.
Does this cleavage amount say, “Fuck it, I’m over dating, let’s just fuck?”
They left me at home... I'm a liability
So i've noticed that drunk me erases sent messages to hide them from sober me, because drunk me knows that sober me will be PISSED at drunk me.
Randomize
