last night i was so high that when a homeless person asked me for a dollar, i responded: dolla dolla bill ya'll.
I wasn't trying to make you feel bad, I just agreed with you that your life does suck.
He told me to pretend to be a shark, and he would slay me with his harpoon cock.
If we were to wake in ur bed together, what are the 3 words you would say to me?
Get out now.
Just passed a guy passed out on a riding lawn mower in his front yard.
She barfed in the corner of the baby pool. Then she yelled "it's okay" repeatedly while trying to scoop it out.
I was really stoned haha. I had sex with her while I cooked scrambled eggs.
I always have trouble explaining my life decisions to people over the age of 30.
It's just my hair. It brings natural happiness. Like goldfish, big boobs, and milkshakes.
What kind of a birthday party isn't a get drunk and ruin everything party
He was twisted. Literally. It's like God took his dick with a pair of pliers and gave it a half twist to the left.
Ugh I can't even look at alcohol this weekend, my body needs to heal.
Well I just finished dry heaving so I think breakfast is a little further out for me
Plus, I have my cousin, the dominatrix, to help me out if things get out of hand
How awkward is it to have the guy you used to sleep with congratulate you on your engagement? I'll tell you. Very.
Randomize
