And now his mom knows I was dipping my pen in company ink
In hindsight maybe we should have moved his homework instead of playing quarters on top of it.
we were dressed as cave people and he kept telling everybody i was so easy a caveman could do it.
i just heard Winston Churchill in auto-tune. thank you nerds.
talked to my RA about stamps and mailmen again. when do you think she'll realize that i only talk to her when i'm high?
i totally fed the cab driver fruit salad with my hands while he was driving
You need to get here now. Before they realize I'm not puerto rican.
I'm mentally preparing my vagina for this semester. It's fucking welcome week. I'm going to be talking to her all night.
She looked at my cock with a kind of resigned disappointment.
if you ever get a chance to, fuck in a lecture hall. great acoustics. highly recommend it.
you missed an awesome concert last night. some middle aged woman that was grinding on me kept trying to stick her hand down my pants. i ended up rewarding her tenacity by letting her hold onto it for a song, i think it made her night.
I just had sex in the men's bathroom of a Chinese buffet...
YOU ARE MY HERO
I told my grandmother all I want is a nice guy who likes to be tied up.
His cat just sat there and simultaneously bobbed his head up and down while I blew him
Julius Caesar had a huge penis
WTF are you reading?
Ha ha! No, the guy in the Caesar costume last night. We hooked up. His dick was huge
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