My STD test came back clean. I'd like to thank all the guys I've slept with, they made this possible. I want to say thanks to all my friends, for believing in me living up to the full slut potential. And last but not least, I'd like to thank alcohol. I wouldn't be who I am today w/out you. I feel like I need to frame this...
I tried to explain to him that we just wanted a stereotypical black friend to be in our group. He didn't take it too well... Never take me to the bar again.
He came in asked for the bathroom and came out 10 minutes later dripping wet took his redbull and left.
I woke up with glitter in my wounds.
I knew you would eventually ask my secret. Pedialite mix drinks. Works wonders.
The sex was so good I went temporarily numb. Slightly embarrassing when she pointed out I was kissing my own arm.
You know what I'm hearing? Blah, blah, blah, I have pneumonia, blah, blah, blah, I'm a quitter. COME OVER AND PUT YOUR PENIS INSIDE ME.
I'm having mini little movies in my head. Like for example. You were talking to a blue whale with jazz man sunglasses, but not the ray charles jazz sunglass. More like sunglasses that are round. Anyway, he has a baguette and stupid french hat. And you , you had your harry potter glasses.
Please tell me there is not a bookmark on your browser with the title "Christmas Porn"
I'm about to have a bowl of Advils... without any fucking milk.
Tom just texted me he's Tindering from his hospital bed while they're running heart tests on him.
That's dedication to the game.
If a clean cut ginger with a flannel and tattoos shows up at the apartment, he is allowed inside.
Thank fucking Christ I was not wearing pants or eating chocolate cake last night.
So if he doesn't show up do we eat his birthday cake? Because I'm stoned and wrestling is on. What's the proper protocol
am i the only one who finds it a little awkward seeing as we all made out last night?
Randomize
