Please tell me how I woke up out in the middle of nowhere wearing nothing but a hard hat and a man thong?
a fat lady just tried to bring a cooler stuffed full with burger kid through airport security. christ I'm going to miss the midwest.
if theres anything i pride myself on, its my ability to look homeless.
I am so 35 right now. Listening to REM, drinking red wine, and crying over an article about ecstasy in oprah magazine.
im seconds away from chugging that vodka and preforming the surgery on myself.
i just thought that perhaps i was done with the "boning on someone else's futon" stage of my life. guess not.
hey watch out, they threw flour on everyone who passed out at their party last year.
It's like you're a magic genie of bad timing
YOU CAN'T JUST DO COKE AND THEN CALM DOWN
I got tossed from adult league soccer for telling a 55 year old I'd break his hip. I'm a productive member of society
Yes... I'll kill two birds with one crazy ecstacy filled night.
Maybe one day we'll get unicorn butt tattoos together
He's getting Easter eggs filled with weed or Jell-O shots for his birthday
I ate the crust off the pizza and left the rest in the box. Even I would hate me.
He just stays over and makes naked pancakes in the morning
Randomize
