Can I come over?
Can't... I'm at class right now.
No your not
I'm outside by your car.
I saw your arrest video on youtube. you look so thin!
The taxi driver was cool until you left. He then started blasting enya and telling me I look like I need another line.
Its like "fucckkkkk yooouuuuuu" is echoing up my esophagus
tequila?
yep
Today is definitely a "stand over the toilet and pee through the opening at the bottom of my boxers" kind of day.
I guess the silver lining is that having a big dick really comes in handy when you're hungover.
It's a mixed blessing.
You can't spell "party" without "RA."
You know what else you can't spell it without? "Gonna get fired."
He kicked in the door just as I climbed on top of him...and stood there. I felt like I was in a porn. It was invigorating.
I found a picture of me as a little kid with nothing on except a towel covering one of my nipples and I'm glaring at the camera. Literally nothing has changed except I have boobs now
Spider-Man is making out with Wonder Woman while Captain Kirk feels up Princess Lea. Nice to see nerd barriers broken down at Comic Con.
Just got offered bathroom sex. I've never been more flattered.
The whole time you were apparently enduring your pukescapades, I was singing very loudly in the car to Beyonce on my way to get a post-coitus Diet Coke.
I started crying during a meeting at work and now I'm sitting on my couch drinking boxed wine at 1:30 in the afternoon. Fuck you too estrogen.
She made me undress her with my teeth...explains the button in my shit this morning...
How have you been? I haven’t talked to you since you dyed your pubes.
Considering I drank for you last night, do you mind picking up your half of the hangover
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