Fuck. I have a girl here waiting on me in my room! I told her I was going to get a drink of water... I'm in the bathroom taking a dump... I have mudd butt bad... There's NO toilet paper!!
I find it ironic that homeless people are so good in bed
All the alcohol I spilled on myself must have acted as a disinfectant or something. I haven't showered in three days and I still don't have a staph infection from sleeping on the lawn with you.
Our sex bag has now been upgraded to sex luggage, with wheels, and now features a first aid kit. Game. On.
I can't believe you big bird do not remember battling a shark last night it turned into a Pokemon battle and big bird over powered the shark
Have a glass of wine with dinner they said. Your hydrocodone has worn off they said... NOPE
it's not like I want to die, I just want life to stop for a little bit. how does that work?
Never drinking again. Maybe, if our boss gave us more 3-day weekends we would know how to handle ourselves. That was a shit show.
Naked snow angels was a very bad idea. My vag is now frozen shut.
Let's play the game let's see how long Kayla can be sober
I didn't wake up drunk this year...I must be getting soft
Yeah I guess quad-fisting Miller Lites just isn't as effective as it used to be
Can you come get me? I woke up in the woods behind the Super 8. I have pizza.
I had to give myself a suppository. That was the LEAST fun I've had inserting things in my ass.
Responsible things to do when you're too hungover to get out of bed: Breast self exam.
Step one: We finally agreed on an au pair that we both wanna fuck.
Randomize
