dude I just realized something - girls return my clothes washed so in thought bringing girls home is like avoiding going to the laundramat
Paddidles count extra in the back of a cop car
I came home to the cats covered in paint and he was asleep in the tub with a firefighters hat on.
Wore last nights jeans to Christmas Dinner with the fam, found a half gram of blow, while they're praying ill be railing.
Update: still drunk enough to get lost in Zellers and to think my reflection was my mother. Awesome day.
I mass texted 4 of you for a booty call. Please reply all when responding so only one of you shows up. Last one is a rotten egg.
Where are you?! I require drunk, males and possibly crying. Vomiting is optional and/or optimal as is karaoke.
Is it frowned upon to puke at Keeneland while you're betting on horses or is it just whatev
Thank you. I woke up with a beard hair in my mouth. Super classy.
I'm gonna celebrate Valentines day by watching Bob Ross videos and tripping balls.
He just pulled his sweatpants down and pissed in the middle of our garden
Pregnancy has ruined porn for me. I can't watch a hot chick get it on without being jealous of her perfectly waxed shit. I can't even see my shit.
Do you think they manscape in the zombie apocalypse?
DETAILS
long story
just tell me the parts i wanna hear
weed, brooklyn, rough sex.
I just described cereal to my mother as "acoustic breakfast soup".
who is this
Randomize
