This is not my ceiling
dude, im still at the bar with two chics... one has a moustache ill save that one for you... be home in 20min..
Am I a whore if I make out with a boy just so michelle can't?
Hey Im running from the cops. hiding in a bush. when you're approaching the intersection honk the horn twice and I will come out.
Burnt my ear trying to use the bathroom blow dryer as a telephone.
When did we convert life to cartoon?
your house isnt even gonna be on google maps after this party
I smoked that joint really fast and now I'm so high I'm crawling around on all 4 giving my dogs piggie back rides pretending its the macy day parade for dogs and I'm their giant human float.
Standing here wondering if its a good idea to cook pork chops in the toaster or not.
Then he said,"I love you like a sister I like to have sex with."
Shower wine is way better than shower beer.
Dude I had sex with her and she STILL thinks I'm gay. I don't know what else to do.
DESTROY DICK DECEMBER\nTHE SUN SHINES ON THE THIRSTY
He sent me a pic of his coffee mug to be like "I'm having coffee too.” \nImagine that. Morning coffee. In your boring ass mug. Dick pic or gtfo.
I think I fell asleep on my pizza last night. Damn, I am sauccccy.
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