don't wear any deodorant. we have to do everything we can to sabotage this wedding
i feel like when youre not in my profile picture no one knows who i am.
I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
there is an extreme lack of margarita in my mouth.
Ikeep having to ask jim if I'm actually talking. I canmt feel my body...this is what Christmas is all about
I need to stop drinking and eating and start working out. I look like the lovechild of John Goodman and Jabba the Hutt.
Michelle asked what I was wearing tonight. I responded with a g-string and plastic wrap. I've gotten no response since.
googling pictures of Lindsey Lohan so that I know what to wear to court is definitely a low point in my life
So you drank bourbon with cough syrup?
I still had a cough. It only makes sense
Hey guys.. So I accidentally broke the front door last night
My roommate randomally bought me two bags of pretzels. Worst "Sorry you can hear me fucking my boyfriend everynight" gift ever.
Omg i got really stoned and used a makeup app on my grandma...well, I’m definitely not adopted
Found your bra
Where?
Hanging in the tree
I don't wanna SLEEP with him, I want to start bar fights with him. There's a difference.
please don't ironically join a cult
Randomize
