You stole her bday cake and shared it with drunk strangers on the street.
The doctor wrote 'condom retrieval' on my discharge paper.
I just wanted to let you know I just licked gravy off of my boobs. Just putting that out there.
hey i found one of your nipple clamps under my couch, i miss you!
I'm sorry but I have to break up with you. My wife is pregnant and can't have a girlfriend too.
this just proves how much faith i have in "us".. what should we be for halloween..?
And my cat won't make me food. She's a bitch
It was either the harsh truths I was divulging or the liquor..... But either way, I made mom puke
I took Xanax and it did nothing to me. First sign I'm crazy and actually need it.
Welcome to a new world. May the gods of weed smile upon you as you embark on exploring this new dimension.
He called me at 4am to ask me to marry him, then threw up into the phone for 10 minutes.
And why in he fuck did I get 'dick' in Romanian tattooed on my forearm
would it be okay if I showed up at your house naked? and is your door unlocked?
I got snowed in at my parent's. everyone's asleep so I'm smoking a joint in my old room and watching Tarzan on a 12" tv.
They must be so glad to have you home...
Let the clothes fall where they may.
Randomize
