how to cook rice: 1. put random amount of rice and water in a pot 2. have sex on the kitchen floor. when you are done having sex the rice is ready
why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
He adopted an old drug sniffing dog so that he won't lose his weed around the house anymore. It works.\n
Just tried to use the bottle of Sprite in my car as mouthwash to get the taste of puke out of my mouth- it's half vodka. Puked again. Thanks man.
Don't park in the garage. I installed a stripper pole while drunk and it's kinda in the way
Just came out of my room at 8 AM to find 2 pounds of raw hamburger and a half eaten cake strewn across the hallway. And I'm not surprised at all.
Reached a new low. Drinking Wine from my thermos while on the stair master.
Lesson learned:nothing good comes from an at home wax kit.
But if I live with you I'll help pay rent. Only if you promise no 50 shades of what the fuck internet hookups
Have you ever hotboxed under your comforter? Best. Decision. Ever.
You don't know bruises until you've been banged by 3 drunk bagpipers in the back of thier bus
I told him I had the birth control implant in my arm and he looked me in the eyes, said "Science!" and came in me
He can be a kind, caring soul but also give in to the temptation of eating unicorn ass.
Just cuz u chase vodka with sweet tea doesn't make it sweet tea vodka
On the plus side, he ate me out and gave me an orgasm. But he also talked about robots during sex and mispronounced it like the dad in the goldbergs and called them “robits”
Randomize
