I just Googled "how to lose weight but still be an alcoholic."
Woke up on the floor holding a sandwich. Shots. Never again.
I wanted to take a shower but I forgot we made applesauce in it last night.
it was like a congratulatory penis slap
Don't forget: you only show your tits for the good beads. Be judicious.
God only knows how I ended up there doing crown royal shots to the titanic and insighting a bar wide shit fest when I asked the dj to play levels
All I want in life is to get high, take a shower, and him to go down on me. Simultaneously. That's legit my idea of heaven.
Direct quote from her that tipped me off I was getting some: "I want to jump on his shoulders and wrap my legs around his face"
We walked in and someone handed her an unopened bottle of jack with her name on it. She's like a drunken celebrity.
Ask him to get me chedder bratwurst instead of the molly
Unless if you guys already left. Then I want the molly
Well, you've continued the theme of living with people who's dicks I've sucked.
That awkward moment when your drug dealer pulls your boss out of the snow
So if he doesn't show up do we eat his birthday cake? Because I'm stoned and wrestling is on. What's the proper protocol
For the love of god, if any of you are up, bring me pants.
We somehow ended up in Oklahoma. Nick's been crapping for two hours and I'm afraid to call a doctor because who the hell knows what sort of stuff goes down in the middle of nowhere. So not a great long weekend really.
Randomize
