You wouldn't stop asking the hibachi cook if his knife was a hattori hanzo
theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it
nevermind its newpaper
Yet again my drunken self has managed to find his way into the middle of nowhere with no shoes or recollection of what happened last night.
Then I guess you don't remember me driving you there after you tried making out with my girlfriend, dipshit.
So I went out tonight...met a guy who slightly resembled my dad,huge creeper, he asked me to "hang out" so I gave him my moms number since he was more her type:)
Some girl next to me in class is making a list of whta to pack for spring break & it was a normal list until she put birth control in all caps w/ stars around it
I got a bikini wax for the first time today and I think I now understand feminism.
why is my clorox wipe dispenser full of tortillas?
We're about to go to a party titled 'Night of 1000 Jello Shots".
No, no... it's pale and surrounded by awkward, curly, red hair. It's the Ronald McDonald of penises.
Just did coke off of a cross necklace and am headed to the strip club. Happy Easter!
Dude, she got on top of me, grumbled in a low voice "I'm going to make you remember me", and then farted.
I just found out that my husband and I are Eskimo siblings. What in the actual fuck?!
it was so good i reconsidered my staunch atheism
I was full on naked standing in his room and I just said "this isn't me" and left.
Look, all I'm looking for is a good time and someone whose chest I can bury my face in
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