I had a disgustingly explicit dream last night involving myself and lil wayne.
Not everyone can get ass. Some people are good at building rockets. You’re good at sleeping with many men. It’s an art.
I felt like a fire hydrant the vomit just kept coming out
The nurse gave me a funny look when I said I thought I have an std in my throat. Bet she only does it missionary too
You can't start the super bowl without starting a kitchen fire making cole slaw. Its unamerican.
I don't even want to know
I blacked out after running into my soc TA in the beer garden. came to dancing on the speakers at major lazer and making out with said TA.
The Angel on my shoulder is now resorting to merely reminding me that, "You will regret this later." I'm not sure if he's learning how I think or just giving up. Either way, should make life a bit more interesting.
Hello, the Less Drunk that has my sister's phone. I am the Moderately Drunk. I am questioning your Friday activities. Why are you not the More Drunk?
I'm gonna send you a dick pic now just so your uncomfortable at work
I DMed the cop that arrested me to come unlock my keys out if my car today
we will now reference it as "the infamous double dick night"
so let me get this straight you just stared at his boner all night?
I just caught your son trying to perform fellatio on himself. What do I do?
It’s bad enough my brother slept with half of the sorority this year, but now he’s lifeguarding at the club and every divorcée and cougar in town is asking me for his number. My twin is a manwhore and I’ve become his pimp.
I WILL go to space. And if we find aliens I WILL fuck one. It’s the Marine Corps way
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