And to think..we used to do everything sober...
Just drive me around campus, I will be able to smell their innocence.
apparently he's bringing me two things i like. he said one was him and i'm assuming the other one is his penis
Their was just 7 people standing outside eating a costco chicken, definitley at the right party
I JUST HAD PHONE SEX. WHILE TAKING A BATH. FOR AN HOUR. EATING A PLATE OF BURRITOS. TOP THAT SHIT.
I succsesfully kept my nipples in my dress all night. Even when I got in a fight. I was made for the bar.
My girlfriend is studying for the MCAT by watching The Magic Schoolbus. There go my dreams of being a househusband.
I'm waiting at the bar and am surrounded by unattractive women.
You need to get here and rebalance this disturbance in the force.
Is everyone touching their nose at me a sign that I should stop snorting vicodin off my phone in the bathroom at school?
I mean I love some drunk compliments, but he just wasn't up to my low standards.
You said you brought chipotle into a movie and I asked you to marry me and you said yes
Came home plastered at 8am. Roommate had hot glued all the ashtrays and various items to their surfaces. Couldn't handle it. Went back to the bar.
she's the poster child for how alcoholism can be fun.
"I feel morally obligated to vote for him since he's my drug dealers dad"
In my top drawer right now, there are see's chocolates, condoms, weed, and my vibrator. One way or another, this is going to be a good night
Randomize
