The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
the best days in LIFE are when you realize you arent pregnant
well since you're still married, you will be paying for my abortion right?
MIND BOGGLER: batman and jesus are the same person. Think about it.
The police scanner is talking about you again....
Woke up next to a half eaten California burrito. It was tucked in.
just start off by saying "hey, i cockblocked my friend last night and need to make it up to him, could you help?"
Also, we accidentally donated a bong to goodwill
Ok fuckface listen up and listen good. 1.calling dibs on a chick out of your league is like applying for a job with a highlight video 2. dont fucking ski down the stairs again 3. if you do, put it on your highlight video
That's some primal shit right there. My vagina is all like CONSUME HIM AND HIS FRUIT HE WILL GIVE YOU SONS!
You screamed "show me a dick stand!" But before I could ask you wft that was you had passed out in the corner
You fucked that MILF against my car!
How would you know?
She scratched her name into my window with her bigass wedding ring. btw she wants you to call her
Life update - currently drunk off my ass in the yoga room of SFO at 5:30 in the morning.
I did all i could do but i woke up smelling like cigars and theres salsa all over my face
Bro I rebuilt the dungeon in animal crossing visit me
Broooo
Randomize
