She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
I wonder what it would be like to masturbate in space
Just realized I'm marrying a man that's never gone down on me. What happened to my priorities?
1 month til my stepdad becomes a u.s. citizen, so if you want to get in on the divorce pool its your last chance, $5 a square.
Dude you ate toast sprawled out on my kitchen floor and said "this is comfy". No more day drinking.
Oh dude, thanks for giving me that liquor last night, except replace 'giving' with 'violently forcing'.
I think these people may actually be nudists. You know it's bad when I feel uncomfortable.
The only reason I can fathom that you've been able to continue to date new people this long is that women continue to become of age each year, and the younger ones don't know any better.
I'm usually good at keeping a straight face, but not while singing a ballad to a stranger in a bathroom.
Rob and I are cross faded and the only one taking care of us is a drunk person who's making us dance.
Never thought I'd see the day when I got assless chaps in the mail, and yet here we are...
I dont think you understand. A NOODLE FELL OUT OF MY VAGINA! I DEMAND TO KNOW WHAT YOU DID TO ME LAST NIGHT!
Last night you were throwing up in my toilet singing "all by myself."
I have a bag of frozen peas on my vagina. If you want to talk about real problems.
YOU'D BE LIKE A MERMAID! I'll bring you coffee filters to cover your tits.
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