youre so sexy i want your bod
dude, did you turn gay?
heather?
this is jacob
Why are there so many empty soda cans in my room?
You put them in a circle around your bed and said it was the best way to ward of the witches from hocus pocus....then you remembered you needed salt too. I'm assuming you havent gone to the bathroom yet.
I think my plan to not drink this week was just ruined by my mothers discovery of the chat function on facebook
Apparently, I woke up in the middle of the night, got up out of bed, dropped trou in the corner, squatted, and pissed on the carpet. When Eric heard, he thought it was the dog and started yelling, and I responded by saying "No no, its okay. It's me."
I was totally going to sleep with him, until he got naked and started swinging around his boner singing "I'm so hard. oh yeah yeah yeah, I'm so hard" like Rihanna.
I'm really tired of cleaning up my twitter the morning after
Can you come over to my place and make up for the crap you called sex yesterday?
Good morning to you
My ATM looks so different sober.
just to let ya know we might have to take a stripper snowboardin sometime
You sat on my knee, like Santa, while I peed.
He said he only likes girls with a sense of humor, after he took his pants off I understood why
So your best guy friend eats your pussy once and a while, no big deal. It's like going to jiffy lube once and a while to let the professionals do it. Your husband should understand .
But wait then while giving his drive thru order he goes in mid sentence, "Hey baby it's Travis remember me?"
Is there any reason why a taxidermic donkey head is in the shower?
I cam home to find him twitching on the floor, surrounded by unopened condoms and covered in cranberry sauce (yes I tasted it) while Thundercats was playing.
Randomize
