I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
you are the sluttiest virgin ive ever met
thanks it was an honor just to be nominated
oh i have no idea about his personality. i imagine it's the same as it was- except now combined with a receding hairline and a beer gut
We found her on the trampoline. She told us she was jumping so she could puke & rally. I think I want to marry her.
I need a leash, or some shame. Maybe.
apparently the last bar didn't like my halloween costume with syringes filled with whiskey
As a jewish boy dating her she thinks everypart of christmas is my first time. Helllllo bj under mistletoe!!
He knew exactly who I'd slept with after just one look at my crotch. He's like the Sherlock Holmes of cocks.
I've never used poorer judgment in my life. It's mathematically possible that I impregnated 5 women in the past 24 hours since I won the lottery. But I couldn't be happier about it.
New found love of volunteering, when there's free wine available at all times. Good times. And I get to to feel good about helping people.
you ate the make a wish sign. Like actually chewed on it. It was our solution to going outside when the cops were there
You don't know being judged until its 7:30 in the morning and you're on 2 hours of sleep halfway between drunk and hungover wearing pajama pants at an international airport while saying how proud you are that you found the airport's bar immediately and how disappointed you are that it's closed
So I just went to clothing optional bar
My vagina is no longer accepting new clients.
At least he uses his lack of impulse control for chaotic good instead of chaotic evil
Randomize
