My moms helping me unpack but im getting a little nervous because I dont remember where i put my dildo
i think the whole apartment complex could hear you beating off last night
we screwed to my bar mtzvah tape, I became a man while watching myself becom a man
all but 2 of were put on probation for disorderly conduct. i know, visiting a hospital when your drunk is really stupid but it seemed like such a good idea at the time
swear to god, "it seemed like a good idea at the time" is gonna be on your epitaph
Wash that dress asap. You laid down on the kitchen floor and tried to sweep the floor with your body.
BEER BONG IN THE STOCKROOM COME IN TO WORK TODAY
I vaguely remember having a cowboy explain his belt buckle to me in the bathroom hallway
You peed on someone's house because they had a Wisconsin flag.
I don't think I even want to know why you are sending my husband pictures of your nutsack.
I'm on the couch watching HGTV googling giant boob Halloween costumes so life is swell
My roommate just threatened to kill me with my own pan. Can I ever get away from the crazies?!
You didnt text me.. I'm on your street with golf clubs
2 weeks into this dating someone with money thing and I already don't know if I can go back to the being poor life
If you can throw 105 mph it’s mandatory that you’re hung.
it was awkward when he was taking off my clothes and i had to help him undo my fanny pack
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