Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
all the douches that like ed hardy are the same douches that were obsessed with lisa frank
Got 6 blowjobs in one weekend... new personal best.
aparently we are going to have sex infront of her friend. ill call you tomorrow
Having a pigeon watch you poop is just creepy. Drunk or not.
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
I wouldn't blow him for all the queso in the world.
I'd rather blow that homeless guy who asked me to breast feed him.
In less than 24 hrs I went from conversing with Nobel Laureate, to hangover vomiting in front of a drive thru cashier
We let him drunkenly pack his own bags without checking them. Yet no one was surprised when the TSA girl pulled a 12 pack out of his carry on.
I legit had a 15 minute convo about dinosaurs with a guy at the bar last night cuz he was wearing a jurassic park shirt
He sent me a limp picture of his penis with the caption " same ol, same ol' I cant believe these are the type of guys I sleep with
You went over didnt you?
I think it would be reallllly cool if you took your best friend to work so she doesnt have to have an awkward cab ride with the driver she drunkenly made out with last night ...
Before you jump in that vagina remember there's a reason we call her Infectonator.
YOU HAVE TO STOP TELLING BARTENDERS WE DON'T HAVE MORAL STANDARDS
DO I FUCKING *LOOK* LIKE SOMEONE WHO HAS THEIR ACT TOGETHER!?!? THE ANSWER IS "NO"!
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