My nephew just came out playing with my moms vibrator.
This is a mass text. Does anyone know where I am?
I asked him where the store BJ's was and he unzipped his pants.
Fat spanish girl grinding against air conditioner. ive seen everything now
I swear I only do things like fuck 19 yr olds just to hear how you laugh when I tell you.
He was using OnStar to get directions to the bar. I'm pretty sure he'd have gotten her number too if I hadn't disconnected the call.
Did you ask me to bring you a t-shirt to class or did I just dream that?
No, I did. It's a long story.
I just found out my college boyfriend's nickname is actually a Dutch word for little cucumber.....it all makes sense now.
Nurse helped me count all my sexual partners and still gave me her phone number. She shall be #73.
I'm in Starbucks carrying the boxes wine and the hubcap. So many judging looks.
Ok, in complete transparency, I am eating a cookie on my bed naked while reading a Halo novel.
The zombie version of you bit my friend's hand. No more zombie crawl for you. Not ever.
Have you ever eaten pizza and gotten your dick sucked at the same time? Because I have pizza.
literally who communicates this much post-hookup why r u like this
yeah. i tried to refuse to leave unless the burger king himself escorted me out. that didnt fly
Randomize
