so i woke up with ketchup and a sticky boob on my face...this is a new low
Topless wife handwashing shirt. Tonight marriage is good.
I was in bed at 845. Affairs take a lot out of people
I'm not leaving bed today. And i guess my drunken ass last night hit my roommate in the face with a tiki torch then proceeded to cry while carrying around a picture of he who must not being name. I'm a piece of work.
last night a police horse bit me when i was wasted. even the animal kingdom knows i'm no good
Second wind. Either that or my heart is about to explode. I'm hoping the first one.
Man, I wish they all looked like that. Your vagina deserves to have a nice frame around it, and God's signature at the bottom.
Within 24 hours, I went to a feminist documentary screening with two state reps and you hate fucked a rent-a-cop on the helipad of your hospital. Somewhere our lives went in different directions.
I still make more money.
So hungover. I dropped my keys and leaning over seemed a terrible idea. Instead I took my shoe off in the middle of the street and use my toes to pick them up. Think I'm a genius.
I'd tell u there's strippers to make you get here faster, but that would be a blatant lie... There's strippers here.
I fucked my ex boyfriend to get shrooms for you guys
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
The only person more miserably hungover from the party is the dog, and that's because he ate some balloons
I just woke up hand cuffed to the bar and shirtless, so yeah I think I need you to come get me.
woke up this morning and she was gone. but she left a box of donuts on the counter with a note saying "for all the 'o's you gave me last night"
Aiming to get laid tonight but if it falls thru I'm either gonna make a mixtape for my sugar daddy or sew a teddy bear for his newborn
Randomize
