captain morgan taught me last night that resee's puffs are way better when eaten straight out of the sink.
I just fell for a fake 50 dollar bill in a urinal. Fuck pittsburgh
They were done having sex when I went to the room. They had that look on their faces.
Disappointment?
I keep reminding myself that my vagina isn't a homeless shelter.
Confirmed. Vegetarians give terrible head.
RA chick in a Christmas onsie chased us up 5 flights of stairs. I need to stop violating guest policy
He's cheating on her.
Are you sure it wasn't her?
I have my glasses on, and as long as she didn't change her face in the past two months; its her.
he went at my nipples like a starved dog.
I just soaked a sugar cookie in nail polish remover to clean off my nails because I was too lazy to walk to the bathroom to get a cotton ball. Is this what rock bottom feels like?
Yes. I will keep putting the beer into my stomach and eventually the bartender will make a mistake
Come back. Shots need mouths.
Do you think I can get away with quoting Work Bitch by Britney Spears in my speech?
I tried to find an emoji but none convey my excitement for receiving good sex soon
Long story short if you're going to get drunk on a sailboat at night leave your phone in the car.
she's my really slutty friend i bring around so i can act slutty and not feel as bad about it
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