Remember that time I came into your room after taking a muscle relaxant and we argued about what state has the longest coastline?
he just had his sister send me a message about how he's not a creeper
Was his mother too busy breastfeeding him to do it?
I closed that bar. Sang every Beatles song in the book. Made Somoan friends.
I'm way too drunk on a Sunday to handle this level of Jesus.
i think you're the only person in the world who masturbates to food network.
there is a time and a place for ass-grabbing and that was not it.
It's not my fault. Someone keeps buying me tequila shots. Idk who. But every time I look down there's another. I think there's a conspiracy.
Succesfully slept on the roof at work for 3.5 hours without getting caught. I need a promotion
Dude your neighbors are having a garage sale. They were judging me as I walk of shamed back to my car.
i have learned 4:30 is too early to start pregamming for the midnight harry potter
All together there was 318 cigarette butts in the pool... And my microwave.
The only word that describes how much hair I shaved off of my ass is "considerable".
This Asian instant coffee I found in ur kitchen is like crack. Who knew I could feel my heart beating in my asshole after one cup of this happiness.
i am risking my non lesbian vagina for your needs. i better be the best friend you ever had
Why are there condoms taped to the handle of Tito’s?
I get horny when I drink, pregnant when I fuck and I never lose the booze unlike my purse
Randomize
