You need Jesus like Tony Danza needs another hit show.
Do you realize that we tried to rent a limo at 5am to come and take us to waffle house?
I had it in my eyebrows, my bangs, under one eye, and across both cheeks. Congratulations on the successful and elusive warpaint cumshot.
he quoted the bible to break up with me
There is a full size piano in the middle of our road. Please tell me you had nothing to do with this.
You sprayed lysol all over me. You said that my soberness was infecting your night.
There's a dead squirrel in the freezer. Is that what you stopped to get out of the road last night?
I woke up to a full mcdonalds meal being shoved in my face. Mom mustve noticed the empty tequila bottle. I love family.
I'm like 80% sure we nearly got arrested because we threw fireworks at a car
They just keep looking funny at me. No one has attempted to tell me that I don't make sense though so maybe they're all way more high than I am.
A bee came out of the shoe box and stung her. Even the insect community doesn't want her in those hideous things.
I knew he was a classy dude because when I told him my name was Jen he said "Gin? Like Gin & Juice?"
I woke up with a black eye and a buttplug...not sure I really want to know what happened.
Why was I so drunk last night that I licked the bar and then the bartenders face? Why didn't you stop me? We can never go back there.
Rarely does a man I fucked with upgrade from me
Randomize
