i just saw my boxers from 2 days ago stuck in a tree 4 miles from my house
I have decided that a Nickelback cover band would be the pinnacle of loserdom.
i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
I'd just like to give a shout out to jesus and plan b for making this day possible.
She sucked my dick while i watched james bond. And they say marriage sucks
Just put a dog collar on someone's child.....was a great hit with everyone but his mom.......I think she hates me. I'm okay.with that
he was wearing ninja turtle pajamas and he STILL got laid. who the fuck is this guy?!
I think you were giving a sex seminar on your kitchen table last night.
We get an extra hour of sleep. That means we can take an extra shot tonight. Sound logic. Thank you daylight savings.
You kept asking her which dick pills worked the best. She's a grandmother.
rest in peace liver.
It was nice having you occupy space in my body that could be holding beer n chicken.
that's going in my livers obituary.
So it turns out strippers do encores if enough people yell. Encore song: Self Esteem.
Like I’ve seen him completely trashed and I’ve also seen him rip shirtsleeves off with his teeth and I can’t tell if I’m intrigued or not
I have so much to do, no motivation, and Harry Potter is on. You KNOW whats taking priority in my life right now
Randomize
