Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
Where are you? I just made a vodka + cranberry & I’m going to drive there & throw it in your face
He had rug burn on his nose from my landing strip
It's like eating cereal and milk but instead of cereal it's gummy bears and instead of milk it's vodka.
Dad, is it in any way illegal for me to run around throwing handfuls of lucky charms at people tomorrow?
you're kidding right?
I've given up for the day already. I just wanna eat cheesecake and hide from her.
How many people can say they've shit on the floor of a five star hotel?
I thought my period ended but I felt it again as soon as Pitbull started playing
We may have picked the wrong resort. Brenna and I have already been propositioned for swinging twice and we've only been here 3 hours
Lets watch game of thrones and have sex every time someone is naked. It'll be like a drinking game but better.
Why is it every time you ask me what I'm doing, I'm at a police station?
I am an advanced cybernetic robot sent back in time to 2013 to fuck my wife senseless for hours on end. Have you seen this wife?
Eddy, if you don't want to roll play then say so. This is just obnoxious
From the bottom of my heart, thanks for never sending me unsolicited dick picks.
After last night I am convinced that you are the human embodiment of alcoholism and bad decisions.
after the ketamine those signs on the bathroom door had little meaning to us
Randomize
