i just took a sip of diet coke and i said " as soon as it hits my lips i wanna smoke a cig." then i thought of your dick.
OMG THIS GUYS LICENSE PLATE IS GETTNHRWET
Just drove through Taco Johns wearing a drug rug and no pants. When I rolled down my window, the girl paused for a minute before saying "um... 4.07"
there's chocolate cake in my bathtub.. I don't even want to know how the hell chocolate cake wound up in my tub..
YOU GOT KINKY WEIRD ICE CREAM HEAD ON FRIDAY DONT EVEN COMPLAIN.
I just woke up in bed, rolled over, and found a whole pizza.
this is the second day in a row.
Oh. Yeah. It's the same pizza then.
So the bump is from hitting my head in an elevator. Apparently I dived into a cab head first too.....
He's taking me to Tao. This is going to be so weird. How do you go on a first date with a guy that has seen you naked more times than clothed?
Actually going to jail after your wedding is NOT part of the plan.
we're spending all day in bed drinking spiked eggnog and fucking
my drug dealer is also my eyebrow lady. Two birds, one stone.
Granted every 20 shifts of working there you seem to be on par to receive some sort of racy satisfying sexual encounter which money can’t buy
I just put on the jeans I was wearing last night and pulled 4 baby carrots out of my back pocket....
I suppose writing him up is more professional than keying his car.
It'd be good to change things up a bit, right now the only public service I'm doing from my apt is hanging out in my underwear with the lights on.
Randomize
