haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
Five girls, one freshman pledge. We're like our own Make A Wish Foundation.
Why did that cocktail waitress get to sleep with Tiger for 2 years, and all I ever got for living in Whorelando for five years is a couple of pictures with Joey Fatone
I've been here 20 minutes and some creepy old man told me he wanted to know what my insides felt like. I hate gay bars.
We didn't have a blender so we made the margaritas by running over a garbagebag full of ice with the car and then stirring it with a knife in a French-press coffee pot. CAN YOU SAY RESOURCEFUL?
Beer coozy in the gym. Don't judge me.
My drunk neighbor is arguing with a goose in his yard. This was the highlight of my day.
Okay I take that back some girl just said pussy sweat. Get me outta here
Mehhh. I just tried to type 'extremely', and it auto corrected to 'creek rot'. IT KNOWS WHAT I LOOK LIKE
I wonder what dick looks like without astigmatism?
Donald Trump looks like someone photoshopped hair onto a dick pic.
Did you hear about the guy wearing a spiderman mask running around naked with a bottle of patron?
Yeah.
I was spiderman.
I wasn’t trying to be creepy it just happened
I’m beginning to think that’s your defining personality trait.
Thanks for fucking the skin off my dick
It was a joint effort between my vagina my feet and your hand you can't just blame that all on me
He’s disease free and drives a Porsche. What else does a girl need?
Randomize
