I've come to notice a late period isn't as exciting when you have no reason to worry
She just got back from rehab. You dont celebrate that with margaritas.
a cemetary is a place for people to rest in peace and you just spermed all over their land
I thought that since they were twins... they would be equally as good in bed
Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?
I couldn't walk, so he carried me all the way home; and then I told him that I wasn't drunk enough to fuck him. Poor kid.
My "Week Of Not Checking Into OK Cupid So I Don't Hook Up With Another Fat Chick" lasted four hours. On the plus side, she was the smallest one yet.
New rule: gentleman callers are required to bring me gifts of beer when coming over to court you. Tell the monster jam dudes so they know.
he knocked a glass of water onto my bed and then said that he should get to sleep on the dry side because he was "a guest"
That chick went from zero to shitshow in only 6 shots.
First you say "it can't get any worse" and the next thing you know you've shat yourself on Christmas Eve.
He offered to take me to my appointment after breakfast then kind of just sat there and watched me get a papsmier. Most awkward first date ever.
WHY DOES MY BOYFRIEND'S BROTHER HAVE TO BE SO FUCKING HOT
I’m going to cut back. New Year, New Me
I would never wish less dick on anyone but do what you gotta do
thanks for not wanting to stay all night or talk or anything, nice to have a fuck buddy who really doesnt take the buddy part serious
I'm all about the fuck
Randomize
