I told you I would drunk text you sometime........its that time.
I saw his package. It spoke to me.
I just made this asian woman on the boardwalk that was giving 20 dollar massages upset after I asked her if a happy ending comes with it.
You'll be proud of me
Who did you not have sex with
Damn it...you know me too well
he asked me to smell his eyeballs.
That's fuckin bs. I had the bouncers beat by 30 yards til that dumbshit on the moped stopped in front of me.
So it turns out rose was the bear hunting girl. Fuck my life
None of those words made sense together.
When I said 'i love my boyfriend' I didn't mean 'send me a picture of your penis'.
We picked up some guys dressed as shamrocks at taco bell. I will text you with further information.
Speaking of mom and dad and Halloween... Mom bought a size small slutty nurse outfit last night. So yeah, they're getting hammered
It was like being run over by an orgasm freight train.
I looked like a tiger in heat. He didn't know if I wanted to fuck him or eat him.
Dad is wasting no time getting back out there. Just walked in on him and a Twin Peaks waitress in the hot tub
A dozen naked frat boys in squirrel masks just ran by. Welcome to the official start of the holidays.
I just got out of a $280 speeding ticket by acting like The Big Lebowski. Seriously Jeff Bridges is the man.
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