Everyone knows that the fastest route to a corporate advancement is to take a shot in the mouth
everyone is single if you try hard enough
oh there is nothing like the 1st beerbong of the school year
The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
i don't think it's normal to still be missing spring break.
my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
i just had to google what happens if your dog eats your nuva ring
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
being pregnant is like rehab
Make me a sandwich
The day you make me feel like my detachable showerhead does I'll make you a sandwich.
note to self: shower sex when you have 7 stitches in your leg is never a good idea. never.
I smoked that joint really fast and now I'm so high I'm crawling around on all 4 giving my dogs piggie back rides pretending its the macy day parade for dogs and I'm their giant human float.
Nothing quite like walking through a spider web on your way back in from smoking to fuck up a perfectly good high.
I'm on my way to bail our sister out of jail with our mother's credit card. How old are we??
i dont know how or why im in the gym right now, but theres a hot cop, a guy i hook up with, and his hot friend. this can only lead to every fantasy i ever had.
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