Minivans at bars can only lead to bad things.
I only knew it was midnight because i got happy new years texts while i puked outside
The hardest part of getting a new computer is deliberating whether to start the cycle of porn and viruses all over again.
It was around the time I started requesting "big girl straws" from the bartender for my jack and diets, that I knew I'd probably wake up with my sunglasses on and find my wallet in the shower.
the best sex is "duke just lost" sex.
Weekend has begun hello red wine at 10am on a Wednesday
Yea it's a sex scar. But if anyone asks I tripped up carpeted stairs
I just set the shake weight record at the bar. 20 mins of that crap and drinking beer through a straw will get the job done. I also bet the bartender 100 bucks I could go shot for shot with him. The date for that event is TBA.
there is nothing more depressing than your birth control alarm going off while you're masturbating, and realizing you've been taking pointless precautions for over a month now.
Apparently you missed the drunkest me ever documented. I slept on the hardwood floor and left my pants on the porch to give u a frame of reference.
Fate is real! that hot chick, Megan just showed up dressed as jasmine and I'm dressed as Aladdin this is going to be cake
I ran into a hotel and told the doorman he was doing a great job. That was before you cried on my jacket.
We had sex on roll out bean bag chair, and then proceeded to sleep with a blanket with dolphins on it. Happy birthday to me.
I have a boner in one of my pics with her which no one noticed.
He wants to play improv games now whenever he gets drunk. Sometimes I just do not have the energy for that kind of a thing
Randomize
