i'm in hospital, i have an exam in 3 hours and the man in the cubicle next to me is doing a noisy poo. this has to get better.
dude, i just saw a bobcat while i was rollerblading this morning
1 dont ever text someone @ 8am on sat. 2 dont ever admit to rollerblading past 1992.
just had cupcakes and mountain dew for dinner-now i'm playing super mario brothers. 10 year olds all over the world would kill to be me.
So...it's hour 4 of day 5 of week 7 of my internship, and so far all ive done is shred paper. all. day. long. it's like working for Enron.
You going out tonight?
No I am at the hospital. Throwing up blood is apparently frowned upon.
I don't know what you drank last night but you really enjoyed the 4 egg body shots.
I just had sex on a bear rug. My life is complete.
Got a thumbs up from a trucker for doing lines on the interstate. God bless america.
It's times where you wake up in the hospital after trying to road surf that you wonder what you're doing in life.
Why is my vagina being sacrificed for yours? I'm sure he would take a piece of you too. Your turn.
Since Josh is going to be Carl Sagan for Halloween, he bought a turtleneck and sportsman jacket. It's all my nerd fantasies come true.
Official reason: I couldn't get time off. The real reason: last Xmas nearly ended in alcohol poisoning to prevent me from screaming like a velociraptor
It also means I'm watching porn with mario earphones so i can hear. Possibly the best way to mastrabate EVER
It's technically 2016 but since I haven't gone to bed I'm still counting it as 2015, so I'm gonna drink all the alcohol in my house so tomorrow I can become the better version of myself that I'll be for 5 minutes.
Consume your own penis you ugly freak.
Randomize
