having sex with you is like teaching a dog to tango, it DOESN'T work
So im going to watch Hocus Pocus in my footie pajamas... How am I in college?
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
Its official the day you get back into town we are having a going away to jail party for me. My last wish before prison is to shit faced drunk with you, get into a fist fight, and then cuddle up and fall asleep. Just like old times <3
When this bachelor party is over and your life is in ruins, you have my permission to die.
Dude, nobody just eats a banana these days. This chick wanted it. She wanted to get down with Charlie Brown.
We could have had it all. And by all I mean sex in your Toyota Corolla.
Is "I am going to murder you if you keep sending me requests that I cannot fulfill" unprofesh?
I, soberly, gave myself a concussion trying to take a pic of my vagina. Fuck you and your hangover.
Good night I hope you dream about knitting and threesomes
It was really strange. I feel like I had sex with a synchronized swimmer.
I woke up this morning next to my computer with Google search results for "how to put out a fire."
I'm very scared to turn around.
I had a dream involving the worlds smallest pony, an asphalt volcano, and jimi hendrix. Never smoking 3 bowls before bed again
I was eating pickles straight from a jar, contemplating doing something productive. What did I miss?
we f'd six times
f'd?
its sunday, i cant say fucked
Randomize
