Thanks for holding onto me so I didn't fall in my pee in that parking lot. You're the best boyfriend ever.
God, i just love slightly insecure guys with hearts of gold and giant penises.
I've got my laundry in the car, tonights 1 night stand pre-req is an in suite washer and dryer. Let's do this!
Say something like you want him to fuck you behind a McDonald's. Guys secretly love weird shit like that.
I found my phone outside under the leaves by the curb. What the fuck did I do last night
My penis just literally said "Yaaaaaay!!!" It's the first time it's spoken out loud. Before this we could only communicate through rudimentary sign language
I will take a blow job from a dude that kinda looks like a girl at this point
Well, my breasts are swollen and I cried about the Iditarod. But I say PMS until proven pregnant.
I'm almost too hungover to function. Got into the wrong car by mistake. there was a rotweiler in it. Thank god he was more confused than i was for a minute.
so apparently last weekend we taught the mascot how to shotgun beers. am i winning college yet?
He asked me the next morning if he fell asleep inside of me. Drunk is an understatement.
I'm totally going to bang the cable guy tonight. I'm so pumped
You had sex with a guy who has a purple beard last night. No Molly for a while, ok?
I had to explain to an ER nurse that I burned my dick playing onion ring toss today, your social awkwardness hardly compares.
I know you can't find me. Somehow I ended up on the roof smoking a cig with the strippers that are on break. Way too drunk to deal with this right now.
Randomize
