my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
You came back with puke all over your sweatshirt and started doing darth vader impressions
we just ordered 30 dollars worth of french fries...whats wrong with us?
I just noticed that when I sneeze...my nipples get hard.
just added God to my list of friends who can only see my limited profile on facebook. its such a relief to know that He can't watch me fuck up my life anymore.
We're not too concerned with getting her out of jail. We're on a mission for donuts.
the realtor just took us to a house I had a one night stand in. I feel like it's a sign.
Oh. And what's the twitter protocol for following the guy you blew behind a shed?
let's just pour the lemonade mix into the soco. cut out the middle man.
Drug-sniffing dog walked past me and my suitcase in the train station. My opinion: they need a new dog
What the hell do I have to give up to manifest a dick
I don't think he likes that I'm always sending him pictures of me in my bra but he needs to get it together
Only in the emergency room do they shut the door when youre laughing too hard
My trash can is full of used condoms and girl scout cookie boxes.
Do you remember seeing anyone put a "my other penis is a vagina" bumper sticker on my car?
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