Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
this girl im hooking up with thought my ring was a purity ring... apparently im taking it too slow
No its cool, because I bought a handle of tequila earlier, in case things went south
What can I say, we hook up during the holidays.. We're a seasonal couple
You kept telling the cops that our ice luge was practice for the next winter olympics
u girls! girls! girls! have fun please don't hook up w/ a roadie! Love, mom
Cuz last time you told me I was going to be shocked about something you got a hand job from a stripper in canada
You are not about to raise that baby deer, you can BARELY raise yourself... Return it to it's mom now.
Want me to give your number to an army recruiter?
I don't know... do you want me to use your number to sell used gay porn on Craigslist?
I sense beginning a prank war would end badly for both of us.
Maybe it's the vicodin, but all I wanna do is hunt wild hogs.
its like..once you have one emotional drunk night, you can't stop. i feel like i have to end every drunken night in tears and i dont think my roommates think it's heartwarming anymore
Not sure if it's my shorts, hat, shoes, hair or soul but one of the above just got me drunk again from the glorious aroma of Keystone Light.
I keep thinking your bag of thongs is a bag of chips. So mad I can't eat them.
They think its so cute and admirable that I learned French. BITCH HAVE YOU NEVER HEARD OF GOOGLE TRANSLATE? sexting foreign bitches, there's an app for that
My hangover headache is somewhere in the Harry Potter scar neighborhood. I can now empathize with that poor bastard.
Randomize
