the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
saw a pregnant woman in a bridal gown standing on the side of the road while her car was getting searched by police....cheers to new beginnings
no, literally. he fb chatted me and said "since you're online i figured we could bang tonight?"
I'm by the dj to the left. Come get me now this girl is talking about baby names and I dnt even no hers
I can't see you
I'm the only one that's wearing a tarzan outfit get your ass over here you douche
Well there's nothing more unattractive them a naked, soft man crying
Oh good your over him
Seriously, it sounds like someone is torturing a dozen cats inside a Japanese techno club while a jamaican yells random hipster words through a megaphone.
We're all just looking at each other quietly, hoping that no one brings up last nights shenanigans.
Hooked up to multiple episodes of Even Stevens last night. What the fuck.
Literally the only reason we didnt get arrested was because the cop said I reminded him of Steve Stifler from American Pie
She just walked up to him and was like "you should fuck Angela" and it worked! She is the ultimate wingman
Aside from having sex with a rando in a toga on george's couch i think taking plan b in the library is the most hashtag college thing i've ever done
Great, now even dream!me is a drunken borderline mess.
my grocery list today consisted of condoms. and butter.
umm... whats the butter for?
Who in their right mind would frost a cake with their butt?
Randomize
