Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
Why hello there Olivia! How are you today on this fine and most wonderful morning full of magic and adventure and awesomeness?
Someone just got laid.
i just opened a seperate checking account to keep track of how much i make and spend on our keggers
FYI, when you wake up, please note that I puked in your shoes because I sstubbed my tooee, not becus I was drunk.
All I did was present the dick. You did the work. That's like thanking the pencil for a test you got an A on.
No no, there's drunk and then there's 'spooning with lawn gnomes' drunk.
In other news, someone I've had sex with won jeopardy last night.
You went to a drug deal in a onesie.
Apparently I pulled that girl's number while I was trying to insist my drivers license had enough money on it to cover the tab.
He carried you out but the best part is you kept saying "can't I keep dancing" as you were gushing blood
That awkward moment when your drug dealer pulls your boss out of the snow
Lies! You took my virginity, and now my cigarettes!
Thrres cinnamon everywgte. Plead cine get me
Turns out I made out with a woman dressed as a unicorn here 10 years ago
Apparent my drunk ass was so dedicated to taking a piss, when I walked across the dance floor to get to the bathroom a 9/10 broad tried to dance with me and I just pushed her aside, like hard enough to send her a few feet from where she was standing, pointed at her and said "Not now chief, gotta rock a mean one."
Randomize
