Dude, 1 prime defect in the snuggie- you can't fuck someone discreetly under a snuggie. No way no how
just saw a guy throwing up in the urinal at Dennys. Either he had one hell of last night or we are going to eat somewhere else
I replied to the university automated mass text about the armed robbery at the on-campus Starbucks with a sad face. Basically sums up my night.
i just made mint juleps with bourbon and fresh breath strips. i am the macgyver of alcohol.
Our adventure is going to pick up his pipe and weed that he ditched when he got pulled over the other day.
HOT DATE.
You didn't have enough money so you tried to convince the cashier that "four dollar foot long" rolled off the tongue better. Stop drinking. Immediately.
Me focusing on not shitting my pants is keeping me awake.
Getting a vibrator would be like waving the white flag of surrender in this war against my vagina and its hormone army.
I just think that exercising will really get in the way of my painkiller induced nap time rituals. There's gotta be a better way.
You drink it until you puke in a vent one time and it's ruined forever.
I can't promise that. They just put an extra shot in my margarita.
I wanna fuck that hideous moustache right off your face. get the confetti ready for the festivities
I REALLY NEED TO STOP CELEBRATING THAT FUCKING HOLIDAY
i’m blowing bubbles in my bloody mary so yeah it’s pretty much time to go
im going to smoke a cigarette and reflect on my life choices
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