I don't know whether I should be pissed that there's glitter in my bed or proud that there's semen in there too.
I wish I could get plan B off e-bay so it would be a secret and cheap.
in the 'for' section of the check i put "when we got drunk and broke things". again im sorry.
is it possible for your nipples to fall off? if so mine might. they hurt so bad...
Honestly, where the fuck is osama bin laden?
I ended up staying at a police station for being a witness in a public masturbation case..NOW do you believe me that I've never had a good St. Patrick's Day?
Ya, found out why there were rat traps in my bed. Guess I pissed in Sams room so he went to the store and got them and put them on my bed and put tabasco in his humidifier and put it in my room
I just brushed my teeth. In the car. With watered down Sprite. From Saturday. Multi-tasking at its finest.
I slept with an Israeli and a Palestinian in the same day. It feels wrong.
Great news I took pics last night
Warning: most of them are of you peeing while I take selfies
I now have a other guy willing to drive 3 hours for my vagina. At my next gyno appointment I'm asking her if there's cocaine in there.
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
I think I'm destined to be the stoner version of one of those successful but emotionally unavailable characters Sandra Bullock always plays in movies
I tried to take a cute nude but sneezed halfway through. I sent it anyway
i can do like, 15 pushups. 20 if i listen to dubstep.
Randomize
