I wonder why dictionaries dont have indexes to help find the words easier.
I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
She's holding my hand. I'm going to kill myself.
Clearly I made an impression.
Or at least your vagina did.
She just threw the soap bottle at me from the ladie's room and keeps asking me when we left the bar and got on the boat.
Omg it was awesome. At one point she says "cum in me, I'm too old to get pregnant".
I just woke up tangled in fishing line while wearing someone else's bathing suit with fishes drawn all over me. What kind of sex did we have?
Please say a prayer for the elevator people at work today. My farts are significantly more potent the day after hitting that korean place for lunch...
He just got here and all he's wearing is a cloth over his penis.
I'll uninvite my mom
As the bouncer was escorting you out, you yelled "keep your filthy dick beaters off me!"
I just fucked her in the corner of an ally while holding a large pizza waiting on a pledge for a ride.
Well my normal tinder strategy of "Will I have sex with her when I'm sober" has been paying off
Help me help you realize you are a moron
easy for you to say. you're not the one who has to explain why you woke up with a pineapple and a used condom.
You know your life has gone off the rails when waking up in a Spanish hospital with alcohol poisoning and no memory of how you got there is not even your top wildest drinking story.
Randomize
