So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
he was screaming in a recently acquired accent that he paid for delivery and they could cancel the entire order if they didn't come upstairs
I thought you said it was going to get worse not hilarious.
the delivery boy turned out to be my students mother. now she knows that i have incredibly low standards AND thanks to the fact that he still has dialup the pizza tracker was way off and she rang the bell and he answered mid bong rip.
You need to come back and get me. This is not a jersey shore party and he is not dressed as Pauly D and I am about one shot away from hooking up with a real fist pumping Guido.
The vodka told me to go iceskating on my frozen pool. I may have attempted.
You leave me no choice. Your vagina is grounded. It can just sit there and think about what it's done.
I left a care package of Jack Daniel's, pancake mix and porn in your apartment. Merry fucking Christmas.
Disregard the shoes in the freezer.
Every time I drink before 5 somebody's pet dies
Stop drinking before 5
Easier said than done
He ran into the room yelling "attack! Attack!", jumped on top of me on the air mattress, popped the air mattress, and then we had victory sex, because he was proud of popping it.
You should probably stop your little brother from ruining thanksgiving. I just caught him trying to stuff a cake in a drawer... And now he's puking.
This guy dressed as a piece of paper for Halloween, I felt it was only necessary to sign his penis
It's ok, it's locked within patented Sealrite technology. That puke is staying fresh
My friend came into the apartment in real handcuffs at 4 in the morning. She was laughing and running around and then proceeded out the door...
I just found peanut butter between my boobs. This was for you.
Nah, just stick him in a closet with some cheetos, a blunt and soda. The darkness will calm him down until Mallory can be located.
Randomize
