Have fun with your cool freestyling girlfriend!
She can rap better than you any day
There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
just jacked off with my ROTC uniform on. boy i feel like an american.
screw that ipod for my birthday.. i just want a weed brownie the size of my face. that's all.
You do realize that we bought beer at 9:30 in the morning to avoid sobering up. Stupidity was bound to follow.
I'm wearing cowboy boots and showing way too much cleavage to be in a place with no jaeger.
We don't have a lot of plans besides weed and cake
Just smoked out of an apple with Steve Jobs. I love Halloween.
Turns out I was the only one drinking. I broke one guy's bed and kicked another in the face. Then when an RA came by I shouted to let him in he's gonna find the vodka anyway. Great night
My ex just sent me a message asking if she could blow me, but only if we get caught by her new bf. If she promises to swallow I'm doing it.
I am pretty sure we beat baby seals over the head in a past life. That is why we are being punished.
Sometimes you've gotta crawl to stay concious
My mom is selling her car. I'm secretly relieved I won't ever have to tell her about that time you puked in it
Do you remember telling the Uber driver that "his cologne makes you want to bone"?
I just discovered that jello shots are the best hangover cure
You said that last night when you did jello shots at 4am
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